Chocolate and vanilla... swirl

So from the overly emotional ball of shit that was my last post you'll know that I got my heart broken by a dickhead SP, who had only an average sized penis might I add ... just to be petty hehe. 

Anyway after I got overly my mini melt down I began my self love journey and even abstained from boys for a whole 3 WEEKS! This may sound small to some but I as an excited teenage girl yearning to discover sex and her sexuality further could not wait any longer to discover the next guy that would enter my life and my vagina. 

After a catch up session with one of my day 1 besties she convinced me to take the plunge and text a guy who I stopped talking to about a month + before. So when I got home that night I took the plunge and texted him. Before we stopped talking we didn't text each other for long only a couple days but I always liked his enthusiasm while texting. He seemed like he really wanted to talk to me and wasn't like those roadmen I loved so who would try to act cool and not text back much in order to mind voodoo you into sucking their dick.  /s i d e n o t e/ I actually choose SP the roadman over him for some reason because I was mentally unstable at the time and because a relationship with him would be very complicated.  One of the reasons is that he is older than me, he's 20 and has a full time job, plus he's white and I'm black hence the swirl in the title /s i d e n o t e /


In the following days after this we had a lot of contact with each other and I soon realised what a sexual beast this guy was and I .... LOVED IT. I thought this is the guy that is super experienced and will teach me to enjoy sex in ways I didn't think would be possible at the tender age of 17. The anticipation of us potentially get frisky lead me to experiment in things I've never really done before. For one I kinda wrote a mini erotic story about us for him, we both when back and forth writing sections to spice stuff up and I sent him a shit ton of nudes, I honestly don't know what possessed me to do so.


Everything was going great he even wanted to take me out on a date and treat me like a princess which I had never really had before. But then he cancelled Christmas on my ass as he did some stupid stuff with friends on a boozy night out and injured himself. I thought okay, it's fine we'll reschedule to next week. 


The next week comes and I keep reminding him throughout about a date then about an hour before I have to leave he texts me like he's busy in the evening so we may not be able to see the film but he doesn't just wanna meet up for lunch because he wants to take me on a proper date. Understandably I was upset and slightly pissed as if he told me before about his other plans it would have been fine. But when it's last minute then it's not like I can even arrange to meet up with my friends or anything. 


Things have slowly been going downhill from there I've pulled back from him because I feel like he doesn't respect my time and also doesn't have enough time for me. He works on weekdays and I'm only in sixth form which means that I can't meet up with him in the holidays or maybe be very naughty every now and then and bunk some lessons to meet up. Also recently he hasn't been replying to all my messages which further shows me he's too busy for me. I'm not the type to beg a guy to pay attention to me that's one reason why I'm falling back from him. 


The second problem is the swirl I would say I have a predisposition towards black and mixed race guys being a black girl myself but I honestly like and would date guys from any race and have talked to guys of all races before. But even though the guys were not black they were into hip-hop and urban culture like a stereotypical black guy would be, which I think had a big thing to do with my attraction to them, despite them not being black. Well this guy is not that. He is a whiter than white kind of guy a real 'rugby lad' which was refreshing to me as all the roadmen I used to speak to before fucked me over. But as I've been talking to him more I'm starting to realise I'm not that attracted to him. I think I am sexually attracted to him because I think he'll be good in bed but if we just dated but didn't have sex I don't think I'd be so eager to kiss him, hug him etc. 


So in writing this I think I've decided that I'm going to let him go, I didn't see a future with him anyway but I was hoping that he'd be 'summer bae'. Oh well I guess I have to keep looking or just stay away from boys for awhile. Which will not happen. I'm realising that me like many other girls settle for guys because they are there instead of waiting for what they really want. I don't want to get in the habit of settling so I'm going to start now.


Just like Suzanne 'Crazy Eyes' in Orange is the New Black there will be no chocolate and vanilla swirl ... only chocolate. 












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