The Misadventures in sex

If you read my previous post then you know that I lost my V card not that long ago, almost two months and I have to say a lot has changed in that short period of time. Most of it less than stellar with some gleaming moments of pure joy sprinkled in there. I know the burning question to everyone will be are you and SP still together and my answer to that is HELL NO TO THE NO NO NO, HELL TO THE NO. I hope your singing along to that just like I was while typing.

In typical me fashion I really know how to pick a guy with accurate precision, I even have a list of traits they must live up to in order for me to find them attractive, they must be a:

• manipulator 
• liar 
• player
• have no respect for me
• and generally be a dickhead 

As you can tell I haven't had the best experiences with guys but none of the others left me quite as jaded as SP did. Everything was fine after we did the deed; we were texting each other all the time like normal and I was envisioning myself bunking school to have super sexy daytime hookups with him even though I was slightly going off of him. I don't know what it was that was different but I just wasn't that into him anymore; maybe it's because I'm kinda a commitment phobe and although he was not asking this of me. In my crazy mind there was only two places this could lead marriage or heartbreak and it's most likely to be heartbreak. Since marriage is not even remotely on the table for another 10 years if not more. 

The thing is though I am crazy I am also often right and unfortunately I was, me and SP were not destined to last and heartbreak was where it left me. He slowly stopped replying to my texts as much and didn't pop up to me which he used to do several times a day. I went a day and a half with no reply from him and maybe this was irrational but my mind instantly thought that that slow in communications was because he was using me just for sex. Which technically I was doing with him but I don't think he'd be emotionally affected if he knew this. I don't like to look like a fool and so I got very mad that he had the AUDACITY to ignore me after he was chasing ME down for weeks so I blocked his ass and we have not spoken since. 

This began my downward spiral for the next two weeks or so. I wasn't so much upset that I had sex with him or that I lost my virginity to him it was just the manipulation, the lying, the convincing me you're a nice guy and me letting my walls down only to be sucker punched. What hurt me is that I started to think I know I'm a pretty-ish girl but is that all I am. Am I simply just something sexy to look at, to play with then kick to the curb. I started to think about all my previous encounters with guys where I tried to use my sexuality to keep guys to stop them for straying but this doesn't work. 

I started to doubt my ability to be loved or even really liked. I know I'm only 17 and I have my whole life ahead to find someone and I'm not expecting or even wanting my prince charming right now. But maybe just for a guy to like me enough to want to date me, take me out not just ask me for Netflix and chill is all I really wanted. I'm 17 and never had a boyfriend, I've come close often 'linking' guys but I wondered why I was not good enough to be somebodies girl. 

This really did break me, as hard as it is for me to admit, I'm not the most emotionally available person but I did have to get in touch with my emotions on this one. I had no choice. It literally consumed me. I was fine, I'd laugh at school and have fun with my friends but then in the dead of night when it was just me I'd breakdown into tears, sometimes several times a day. I knew it would pass but it wasn't quick enough for my liking. 

Somehow I managed to get myself out of that head space and right now I'm doing good.  I had to take a break from boys for awhile just so I could heal. I didn't give myself too long though and in my next post I'll update you on my current love life. To any girls who feel like they are not worth someone's love, you are worth your own. Who knows why some average looking girls have had 30+ boyfriends by the time they are 17 (one of my friends is actually like this) and others haven't had guys take a real interest yet. Either way it doesn't diminish your value as a person. I'm sure I'll have my fair share of assholes to deal with in the future before I find the right one or ones but right now I'm into loving myself.

Fuck dudes get money !

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